Dating and Marriage “Facts” — True or False?
When I launched my then-newly published book: Marriage Minded: An A to Z Dating Guide for Lasting Love at the Book Passage store in Corte Madera, California, everyone participated in a thumbs-up or thumbs-down true or false exercise. You, too, can weigh in by deciding whether these statements are correct:
1. Dating with marriage in mind has to be stressful.
2. I should not expect my partner to change into how I want him (or her) to be.
3. “Love at first sight” is a good predictor for a lasting, happy marriage.
4. It must take a lot of work to keep a marriage good.
5. “Follow your heart” is not good advice for choosing a marriage partner.
My responses:
· Dating with marriage in mind has to be stressful.
False. Dating with marriage in mind does not have to be stressful. If we expect to learn right away whether this is the one with whom we might spend the rest of our life, of course, we’ll feel stressed. But if we take one step at a time and gradually enjoy getting to know someone, dating can be an adventure and a learning experience, and the future will take care of itself.
· I should not expect my partner to change into how I want him to be.
True. “What you see is what you get” usually happens. It’s realistic to expect that the person you marry will have many traits and habits you value and some you don’t. If the big picture looks good, the best you can do is accept what’s not likely to change, assuming it’s not a deal breaker. Appreciate all that’s going well, and don’t sweat the small stuff.
· “Love at first sight” is a good predictor for a lasting, happy marriage.
False. Research shows that exceptions notwithstanding, early passion does not usually result in a successful, lasting marriage in real life.
· “Follow your heart” is not good advice for choosing a marriage partner.
True. Creating a fulfilling marriage is easier than you think, as I state in the concluding chapter of Marriage Minded: “The first thing you need to do is let go of the popular notion that all you need to do is follow your heart to find your life partner. . ..
“So do listen to your heart. But keep your brain in charge of your decisions because feelings can be short-lived when there is no basis for getting along well over time. Look for enough compatibility in values, intelligence, interests, and lifestyle preferences.”
· It must take a lot of work to keep a marriage good.
False. As I also state in the last chapter of Marriage Minded: “Couples who are well-matched do not need to keep ‘working’ on their marriage to keep it sound. In a good marriage, spouses invest energy into their relationship. They learn how to keep it thriving and put what they’ve learned into practice. That doesn’t feel like work; it’s how treasured friends relate.”
Facts vs. Factoids
On reflection, four out of five of these statements are not facts but factoids. A factoid is a statement based on an assumption that has never been confirmed, yet many people consider it valid.
If all your answers to the above statements are correct, congratulations! You’ve differentiated between fairy-tale expectations and real-life ones. Whether or not you agree with my answers, you may have gained some food for thought and ideas for action, too.
