Dating to Marry? Three Lists for Success

Too many singles aren’t clear about what traits they require in a spouse. They may continue to date someone who’s not right for them. Others settle for less than they deserve in a partner because they don’t recognize their own excellent traits.

When I was single, I rejected any potential partner because of a minor imperfection, although he might have had all the qualities I needed in a husband. Eventually, I overcame this pattern; I’ve been happily married for over thirty-four years.

My mission is to help people create emotionally and spiritually fulfilling marriages, whether they are already married or hope to be. In my book, ​Marriage Minded: An A to Z Dating Guide for Lasting Love, I recommend making the three lists described below.

By creating each list thoughtfully, you’re likely to

• gain clarity about the qualities you value in a spouse;

• gain confidence in your ability to succeed in marriage; and

• accept that no one is perfect, yet we can still be terrific marriage partners.

List # 1

A. List ten specific qualities you want in your spouse. Review your list. Note whether each feature on it is something you want (W) or need (N). For example, you may think he needs a specific occupation, height, weight, or hair color. In general, desirable character traits are needs. Physical or material characteristics are more likely to be wants, which are less crucial than needs.

B. Did you include on your list some or all of these key traits for lasting happiness listed below?

• kindness

• empathy

• sense of humor

• chemistry

• similar values

• emotional stability

• religious/spiritual compatibility

• intellectual compatibility

What other qualities do you consider essential in a husband?

C. Revise your list to include more needs and fewer wants. Is a vital trait missing? If so, add it to your list and remove a nonessential quality. It can help to discuss and evaluate your list with a wise person you trust, like a happily married friend, therapist, or other advisor.

D. You can rate the importance of each quality you’ve listed on a scale of one to ten, ten meaning most necessary, one meaning least needed.

List # 2

Identify ten traits you have that your future spouse is likely to appreciate. Keep your list in mind while you experience the ups and downs of dating, knowing that you deserve and can create a great marriage. Instead of feeling like a beggar at a banquet, think of what you can offer. You are bringing your unique contributions, and some of them will complement those of your future partner.

List # 3

A. List five less-than-perfect qualities in yourself, areas in which you have room to grow.

B. Remember that we can’t expect to find a spouse who’s perfect because no one is.

C. Recognize that the field of potential spouses has now significantly expanded.

Lists Are Helpful but Not the Final Word

These lists are likely helpful, but they’re not cast in stone. You may meet or already know someone who could be a suitable life partner, even if he lacks a quality or two on your list. No one gets everything they want in life. But you’re likely to gain more happiness by thinking through what you want, need, and have to offer. And by also recognizing your imperfections, you’re on your way to creating a marriage that fulfills you emotionally, spiritually, physically, and materially.