From Single to Married: Five Stages of Change

Moving from single to married is a huge change. Research confirms the huge benefits of a good marriage, yet many people find the journey challenging.

Last month’s featured article explained the five stages of how people change their behavior. Today’s article looks at how these stages may apply to a single person who’s wanted to marry for some time, but it hasn’t happened for one reason or another. If you’re already married and want to share this article with your single friends; please do.

The stages of change idea recognizes how willing (or not) a person is to change her or his behavior at a point in time. Here’s how the five stages of change can apply to singles who think about marriage but may delay acting on their wish to unite with a partner for life:

1. Precontemplation. The idea of marrying may be in the front or back of their mind. Either way, people in Precontemplation don’t think they need to change anything in their attitude or behavior to progress toward marriage.

Examples of what you might say during this stage:

“Marriage will disappoint me; it was awful for my parent(s),” “I haven’t found the right person yet,” “All the good ones are taken,” “Men my age want a much younger (or prettier, or shorter) woman,” or “Women want a richer (or taller, or better-looking) man.”

2. Contemplation. “Whoa! Maybe I should try something different,” you think. You’re not ready to do something different but are open to changing your attitudes to more positive ones. For example, you now believe there may be someone out there who wants to marry someone just like you. You might consider therapy or learning how to create a fulfilling, lasting marriage.

3. Preparation. Now you’ve decided to change your behavior and are ready to act. You research online dating sites, dating sites, or singles events to attend. You resolve to read about how to date constructively toward marriage in books like Marriage Minded: An A to Z Dating Guide for Lasting Love,

4. Action. Now you’re cooking. You’ve signed up for dating sites, contacted a matchmaker, or started attending singles events. You begin dating while applying the knowledge you’ve gained about how to date constructively and move toward commitment.

5. Maintenance; Life has ups and downs, and so does dating. In the maintenance stage, we do upkeep. You learn to bounce back from disappointments and adopt an attitude of “no mistakes; only lessons for growth.” Marriage is the ultimate growth experience. We can fall in love with our spouse again and again. As Mignon McLaughlin states, “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”

Conclusion

A possible sixth stage of change exists, which I’ll call “Conclusion.” After you’ve completed the five stages of change and are in a happy marriage, the earlier self-defeating behaviors and attitudes have retreated to your remote past.

The old habits usually no longer appeal to you, though an occasional slip can occur. Lapses are part of the journey. We can typically correct backsliding promptly and view it as fuel to grow personally and together. And yes, we can continue to fall in love with our partner again and again.

Best Relationship Book for Dating

Toward Commitment

Marriage Minded: An A to Z Dating Guide for Lasting Love