How to Build a Trusting Relationship

We build trust in any relationship by keeping agreements. Trust often breaks down because one partner thinks the other hasn’t kept an agreement. However, it often turns out that no agreement was really made.

For example, if Carol tells Jim that she’d love for him to bring her flowers sometimes, and a year goes by with no flowers, she may resent him for not keeping his “agreement.” But was an agreement really made? Carol said what she wanted. But did Jim agree to give her flowers? He may have heard her request but not said he’d honor it. He may have been thinking, but not said, “Flower’s die; they’re a waste of money.” He did not agree that he would ever bring her flowers.

So, do make clear agreements. If Jim asks Carol to pick up onions at the store and Carol says, “I’ll get them tomorrow,” they’ve made a clear agreement. If she forgets to get the onions, and she has a pattern of forgetting to keep agreements, Jim could easily stop trusting her to keep her word.

Of course, a partner’s forgetting to pick up onions isn’t likely to be a deal breaker. It’s not on the level of more emotionally charged broken agreements, such as failing to keep a partner’s secret, being unfaithful, or spending recklessly in defiance of an established budget.

But even around the small things, trust erodes when a perceived or actual agreement isn’t kept. The way to grow and maintain trust is first to make sure you make clear agreements. If things seem hazy, it makes sense to ask, “Are we agreeing on this?”

None of us is perfect. Even when an agreement has been made, a circumstance may arise that prevents us from keeping it. If this happens, we’re likely to foster trust by telling the other person in advance why we can’t do what we said we’d do. For example, a partner might tell her or his mate, “I need to put in extra time at work to finish that report for my boss tomorrow, so I’m sorry that I won’t have time to pick up the onions. I’ll get them tomorrow, okay?”

So, if you want a trusting relationship, make clear agreements, and keep them. But if you can’t keep an agreement, don’t leave your partner feeling stranded. Explain your situation, and renegotiate to arrive at a new mutually acceptable agreement.