Intimacy Involves More Than Just Sex
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
A 72-year-old man wrote to a newspaper columnist, Amy Dickinson, complaining that he hadn’t had sex with his wife in twenty years.
Amy printed a reader’s response: “I am a man in his age group, also in a very long marriage. Intimacy involves more than just sex; if he has been in this sexless marriage for this long, in my opinion, that’s on him. –signed, Happy Husband.
Do you agree that “it’s on him”? Or is Happy Husband unfair to assign all the responsibility to the disappointed husband?
Many couples come to therapy hoping to improve or rekindle their sexual relationship. It doesn’t help when one partner blames the other for the problem, which happens too often. It does help when partners allow themselves to be emotionally vulnerable and stay supportive of each other when this happens.
What’s Emotional Vulnerability?
Emotional intimacy occurs when partners express their feelings, wants, and needs and feel heard by each other. In effect, they can bring their insides outside. Doing this is challenging for people who were taught as children to hold back from expressing things their parents found uncomfortable to hear.
When emotionally vulnerable, we express ourselves clearly and respect ourself and our partner.
For example, if we want our partner to pay more attention to us on a date, we might say, “I’m feeling ignored. I’d appreciate it if you’d look at me while we talk?” For some of us, saying these things would feel out of character. An unwritten family-of-origin rule might have been, “Don’t express hurt feelings,” or “It’s rude or selfish to ask for what you want.”
Why is Emotional Vulnerability Important?
Many people need to feel that they and their partner are connecting emotionally before they want to connect physically. There’s an old saying: “A woman needs to feel loved to have sex; a man needs sex to feel loved.”
But this generalization is not valid for everyone!
But suppose it’s true in this case: The “Happy Husband” mentioned above implied it was the unhappy husband’s fault that sex was missing for a long time in the latter’s marriage. Maybe the husband wasn’t loving, kind, or sensitive enough toward his wife, so she felt unloved. So she became turned off sexually. Let’s get back to that situation later and see if it’s likely to be all “on him.”
Men Crave Emotional Intimacy Too
Here are some examples that defy the old stereotype: In each situation, the wife wants more sex, but the husband’s interest has waned. Each man doesn’t feel loved because the relationship lacks emotional intimacy.
One husband holds in his feelings when he feels unfairly criticized by his wife, a longstanding pattern. His wife blames him for rejecting her sexually.
Another husband needs his wife to share her feelings more often in order to feel emotionally connected to (loved) by her. His wife is puzzled about why he needs this.
When one partner complains about lack of sex, the other may not have the vocabulary to say it clearly, but he (or she) may have been frustrated for some time by a lack of emotional closeness.
It Takes Two to Tango
If you know that intimacy involves more than just sex, you’re on the right track, especially if your partner agrees. When a husband wants more emotional intimacy, his wife can support him in ways that seem easy at first thought.
For example, the first husband mentioned above might ramp up his courage. His usual pattern when feeling criticized by his wife is to hold in his feelings. Sometimes he stonewalls or yells at her. But this time, he says calmly, I’m feeling unfairly criticized by you,” or “When you call me an ugly name, it hurts my feelings.”
Responding Sensitively to Vulnerability
When this husband does risk sharing his feelings, will his wife respond by blaming him, talking about her frustration, or changing the subject? Or will she listen empathically and respond by appreciating him sincerely for opening himself up this way? Depending on how safe she feels hearing him express his vulnerability and how she responds, she can weaken or strengthen their emotional connection. She may have her own family-of-origin rules to break before she can answer sensitively.
About the husband whose letter appeared in the advice column, I doubt that it’s “all on him.” I don’t know what steps he or his wife have taken to learn how to restore physical intimacy. Have they held heartfelt discussions about this on their own or with professional help?
Having an Emotional Affair with Your Spouse
Have you heard of someone having an “emotional affair?” An emotional affair is a non-sexual relationship involving a similar level of emotional intimacy and bonding as a romantic relationship.[1]
A spouse will feel betrayed on learning that their partner has become emotionally intimate with someone else, whether in person, via phone calls, or online. “But nothing’s happened,” the perpetrator might protest, because “we haven’t had sex.”
In a happy marriage, partners have an emotional affair with each other and satisfying sex, too. These couples are comfortable expressing their vulnerability and supporting each other in ways that keep their connection thriving on all levels.
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[1] https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-youre-having-an-emotional-affair-2303079
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